Depression Is

Leaving the family at the ice cream store because my eyes are tearing up.
Telling my six year old he cannot get new shoes today because he does not need them. And feeling guilty because of every time I buy something new (dresses two weeks ago, a fleece jacket that was delivered yesterday). Because my child is crying and I did that.
It's feeling like I cannot take even twenty more years of what CMT can do to me, and crying because of how young my kids are. And how young they will be in twenty years.

It's feeling like I can't survive my youngest starting full day school in three weeks.  Because I will never have a preschooler again. And hating myself for not cherishing this past year.

It is wanting to spend more time with my kids. But knowing that I am only physically comfortable sitting in my bed.

And hating myself for it. And living in my head. And feeling trapped by everything.